Smurf
by dontfallforit
Summary: It started out as another way to piss Cuddy off... House and Rachel's interesting relationship. Huddy.
1. Chapter 1

**It's a little OOC for House, but I've had these mental images of House and Rachel and I just had to get it out. This could probably be a stand alone piece or the first chapter of something longer. I guess it depends on how long this holds my attention. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.  
**

It all started as a means to an end. The end, of course, was always a riled up Lisa Cuddy.

House leaned against the nurses' station in the clinic, sucking on a red lollipop. Occasionally, he'd pull the candy from his mouth to slur an insult or to mock a patient in the waiting area. The clinic was the last place Cuddy would look for him when it came down to clinic duty.

A small whimper drew his attention and he peered over the edge of the counter, spying a baby carrier sitting on the ground. He gestured with his lollipop, yelling to get Brenda's attention.

"Did you get knocked up again? Remind me, but I'm pretty sure hospital policy hasn't changed in the two seconds you weren't with child. Since when do we have daycare?"

Brenda rolled her eyes before picking up the next patient's chart. After directing Mr. Charles Lahey to exam room 1, she glared at House and quipped, "Since you started working here. And the darling baby is Rachel. Dr. Cuddy's sitter had an emergency and she dropped the baby off, but the Dean is in board meeting right now."

House paused, eyes twinkling as he considered the possibilities. This was too good to be true.

Cuddy rubbed her temples as she stepped out of the elevator, heels clipping sharply against the tiled floor. Her skirt was knee length and tight, but the restriction of her movements did little to deter her as she marched toward her office. She passed by the nurses' station, catching Brenda's eye and forcing a polite smile. There was no time for small talk and gossip when a bottle of ibuprofen called her name.

"Hi Dr. Cudd... where's Rachel?" Brenda's friendly tone took a drastic turn when the nurse noticed Cuddy was empty-handed. She took a step back and searched the floor. The baby bag was still there, but that was it. No baby carrier, no baby, no Rachel.

Cuddy froze and slowly pivoted, eyes narrowing and brow furrowing, her eyebrows drawn together as she held tight control over her rising anger and panic. "Excuse me?"

"The sitter dropped her off! She was right here, I swear. I turned my back for a minute to deal with patients because Dr. House refused to..." Both women stared at each other, eyes widening in realization. Cuddy was the first to react, snapping her mouth closed, cherry red lips pursed in a thin line. Brenda had never seen a woman run that fast in heels.

Cuddy burst into House's office, chest heaving from sprinting up the stairs. She inhaled sharply, taking as deep a breath as possible in preparation for the diatribe that was about to fall from her lips. The words never came. Her breath caught in her throat as she took in the image before her. House, caught red-handed, had the decency to appear somewhat guilty. One of the tennis balls sat in his hand, arm poised to throw it back into the air. The other, sat cradled in Rachel's small palms. The baby had evidently tried to eat the ball, a strand of drool linking the toy to her mouth. The sudden entrance had caught her attention, and upon seeing her mother, she waved her hands and kicked her feet. Despite the bouncing motions, the ball remained steadfast in her lap.

House's feet, once perched on his desk, fell to the ground and he sat up in his chair. The grizzly doctor leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially to the baby, "Gig's up, kid. We're busted."

Cuddy fought back a smile and put up a mask of rage, though her heart wasn't in it. She stalked into the room, grabbing the handle of the baby carrier and lifted it in a swift, fluid motion. Her free hand pointed at him, finger rigid and accusatory as she hissed at him through clenched teeth. "We. Will. Discuss. This. Later."

House smirked and watched her walk out, appreciating just how tight her skirt was. His attention was diverted by a rapid movement. Rachel waved her fist and grinned toothlessly, still holding his now-drool-covered ball. He couldn't help himself. House waved back.

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Cuddy frowned as the elevator doors slid closed. She didn't even know why she even bothered trying to get the nurses or her assistant to keep an eye on Rachel when she had to bring her to the hospital. Through tricks, bribes, or a department-wide email from Dr. Lisa "Partypants" Cuddy, her daughter always ended up in House's office.

The chime sounded and the doors slid open. Odds were that she was with House, but it was never a certainty and the initial fear a mother has when her child is missing was a feeling Cuddy would never get used to.

She rounded the corner and looked through the glass into House's office. Sure enough, Rachel was there. Cuddy's eyes narrowed as she approached, standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. House was asleep on his recliner, using his jacket as a blanket. His chin rested on his shoulder, mouth agape in soft snores. Rachel stood in her playpen, watching him, small hands gripping the railing. At least he was using the damn thing. Cuddy had left it in his office once Rachel was standing on her own, knowing he would never stop with these "kidnappings."

The toddler turned her wide blue eyes to her mother, bouncing up and down on chubby legs. Her blonde curls were already darker than they were a year ago, and Cuddy wouldn't be surprised if her beautiful baby girl grew up into a brunette. The stress eased from her body as a gentle smile played on her lips. She walked forward and she easily lifted Rachel, the child already reaching up for her mother. Shifting the baby's weight, Cuddy held her in one arm. With the other, she gave House a hard shove, nearly knocking him out of the seat.

"Son of a bitch. You take her and don't even watch her?"

"She's fine. Kid's in a little jail cell. It's not like this is an episode of _Prison Break_." House muttered and settled back down, pulling his jacket up and trying to fall back asleep.

"We. Will. Discuss. This. Later." She said the same thing every time, and each time the threat was less and less viable. He never listened. It was like trying to talk to a tree stump. House opened an eye to watch Cuddy's hips as she walked out. Damn, she had a body that just wouldn't quit. Rachel laughed over her mother's shoulder, shoving a fist into her mouth and waving with the other. House waved back.

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"Hey Cuddy, want to see a neat trick?" House looked at her as she leaned against the frame of his doorway, arms crossed over her chest. The move emphasized her cleavage and he lost his train of thought, distracted by the curves peeking out above her low-cut top. She let him stare, rolling her eyes and smiling at his blatant attraction. He acted like he wasn't going to see them bare in a few hours, typical since they'd started sleeping together a few months ago.

House had grown attached to Rachel, a relationship Cuddy couldn't even begin to explain. She finally just started bringing the baby directly to House's office, because God knows that's where she'd end up anyway. Rachel never fussed, never cried, never threw a fit. It was the perfect play date. Though House was still an asshole, Rachel brought out a more patient and gentle side of him. At first he tried to hide it from Cuddy by overcompensating and causing even more trouble. He broke more MRI machines, got sued by more patients, received countless more sexual harassment complaints. Ultimately, he gave up the charade, at least in front of Cuddy. And when he let his guard down, she let hers.

"House..." Cuddy said, prompting him. "This better not be the magic trick you showed me the other night."

"Making my wand disappear and reappear was a great trick. I didn't hear you complaining. Actually, I couldn't hear anything with all of that screaming..."

"House, little ears," Cuddy warned. She arched a brow and uncrossed her arms, straightening and walking slowly into the room, waving her fingers at the little girl sitting on House's desk. He slid his big hands under Rachel's little arms and eased her to the floor, supporting the toddler as she steadied her balance.

"Watch this." House held one of his ragged tennis balls, the one baby Rachel acquired long ago, and smirked at Cuddy. He gently rolled the ball along the ground and laughed as Rachel took off after it, tiny Nike sneakers stomping about as she awkwardly chased after it. A couple of steps into her run, she fell forward. Wide eyes stared at her dirty palms and Cuddy hurried forward, bracing herself for the tears and the wails. House interrupted, saying, "C'mon smurf, fetch!"

Rachel giggled and pushed herself to her feet, barely stable before taking off again. Her hands grasped the fuzzy tennis ball, laughing in triumph and glee before turning and rushing to her mother, ball offered as a trophy. "Ma! Ma!"

Cuddy crouched down, opening her arms as her daughter fell into her, kissing the top of her head. Rachel's hair smelled like baby shampoo and hand soap. No doubt because House had gotten her dirty and tried to clean her off in the bathroom sink somewhere. Her blue eyes gazed up at her mother before looking over at House. Rachel showed him the ball, evidence of her glorious success. Cuddy glared at him over the girl's head. "One, you taught her a dog's trick. Two, you nicknamed her 'smurf.' Three, I don't want to know what you two have been up to or in to, but I need to give her a bath."

"Should I be jealous? You never give me baths."

"Good night, House." Cuddy sighed and picked up the toddler, who was still holding onto the tennis ball.

"See you at eight?"

Cuddy smirked and gave Rachel a kiss on her cheek, hugging her close, "Mmhmm, we'll discuss this later." Rachel giggled again and bounced in her mother's arms, never letting go of the ball. "Time to go home, honey. Say bye-bye."

"Bye! Bye!" The child squealed and waved with one hand, then burying those fingers in her mother's dark brown curls. House waited until Cuddy had turned to leave before waving back. "See you later, smurf."


	2. Chapter 2

**Got bored, needed to write. Figured I'd add to this story, though I have another plot brewing in my head.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.  
**

It was barely one in the afternoon. House sighed and watching the clock in his office tick the seconds away. His patient was currently being discharged, case solved. Wilson was in the middle of comforting a distraught woman, no doubt relieved to hear the terminal diagnosis from Prince Charming rather than House (who had already burst in earlier).

He shook his mouse, waking his slumbering computer and clicking the email icon. His fingers flew over the keyboard as he began to type. F. U. N. B. The program automatically pulled the address from his contacts and filled in the rest. "Funbags" aka Dr. Lisa Cuddy.

To: Funbags

Subject: Bored

What are you doing now? The Ducklings are gone. I've got an open office. I know how wild you get on that desk.

House smirked, rubbing his grizzled jaw, stubble scraping against his palm. He opened a browser window and started to search the internet for things that were not all entirely work appropriate. Five minutes later, a window popped up in the corner of the screen announcing the arrival of a new email.

To: Dr. Gregory House, Diagnostics Department

Subject: RE: Bored

Filling out the paperwork YOU should be doing because YOU nearly killed YOUR patient. House, this is hospital email; please only use it for work-related inquiries.

Stop looking at porn. If you need work to do, you owe me two weeks worth of clinic hours.

He smiled and x'd out of the email, making a point to click on every single porn ad now popping up on his screen. The IT guys were going to love this. The new game only entertained him for a few moments, and as fantastic as the sight of naked breasts all over his monitor were, they were seriously lacking compared to Cuddy's.

His blue eyes slid from the computer to the framed picture propped to the side. The smurf was sitting in the recliner in his office, his giant headphones engulfing her small head. Tiny hands held his motorcycle sunglasses to her face, toothy grin meeting the camera lens. House let a smile tug at the corner of his lips. The kid had grown on him, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he and her mother were an "item."

Mind made up, House left "XXX BARELY LEGAL TEENS LIKE IT ROUGH" flashing on his screen. Grabbing his cane and his leather jacket, he limped from the office, a man on a mission. By the time the glass door slowly swung shut, House was already in the elevator.

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Rachel barreled across the playroom, slamming into House's leg and wrapping her arms around him. He inhaled sharply and winced. She was a bit small for her age but she hit like a linebacker. He resisted the urge to reach into his jacket pocket for the orange prescription bottle. That was the unspoken deal. Cuddy didn't hound him about the pills if he kept them out of her house and if he never took them in front of the child. He gritted his teeth, taking a moment to regain his composure before leaning down and gently patting her dark blonde curls.

"Hey smurf, good to see you too."

"Hi daddy!" The term still caught him by surprise. When Rachel first started using "daddy," he and Cuddy had discussed what to do. House had always been a constant presence in Rachel's life, but when he started spending nights, it was only a matter of time before she made the connection. Cuddy's concern was that the implications that came with "daddy" would drive House away. House's concern was that Cuddy would have to stop using "daddy" during sex. Theirs had never been a conventional relationship and it never would be.

"Read to go?" he asked, only to be cut off when the little girl ran off to finish playing with her friends. Rachel's preschool teacher, Mrs. Higgins, cautiously approached.

"Dr. House, nice to see you." Though her tone was laced with sarcasm. The older woman was a few years from retirement and House appreciated that she refused to let him intimidate her. Hell if he'd ever let her know.

"Good to see you too, Higginbottom." She let that one slide.

"Where's Jenny? Dr. Cuddy said she'd be picking Rachel up today." Jenny was the babysitter Cuddy had hired after finding House and Rachel eating ice cream in the OR's observation room, watching Chase perform open heart surgery. Rationalizing that the cost of the babysitter was small change compared to the cost of a therapist, Cuddy interviewed for weeks. She finally had to "settle" for a Princeton undergrad.

"Jenny's sick." And by "sick," he meant that he had paid the student double to not come. He watched Rachel clean up her play mess, fighting back a smile. It didn't matter that the science of it was impossible, Rachel definitely had Cuddy's genes. What three year-old picks up after herself without being told? House didn't even do that.

"I hope you didn't bring your bike today," Mrs. Higgins spoke, letting an amused expression cross her eyes. The first time House had come to the preschool, he had underestimated the gray-haired woman. Trying to bully his way into checking Rachel out early, his exit was blocked by the teacher and a screaming Cuddy on speaker.

"_You rode your bike to pick Rachel up? Are you an idiot? No, I already know the answer to that. Are you high? Who picks up a toddler on a motorcycle? Gregory House, if you take a step towards that deathtrap with my daughter, so help me God, I will run you down the next time I see you..." _The siren screeches had continued. Rachel had stood there, eyes wide and shifting from the phone to House's face and back again. He played tea-party for the next 30 minutes, or the time it took for Cuddy to leave the hospital and pull up, "accidentally" tapping House's bike.

"No, Mrs. Hugebottom. Mommy let me drive the big car today." Which was another lie. He had borrowed her car from the hospital garage. The teacher hmphed, but secretly enjoyed their interaction. Dr. House was an asshole, that was certain, but Rachel had him wrapped around her small finger.

"All done!" Rachel reappeared by his side, her jacket already on. He took her pink backpack and slung it over his shoulder, nodding his goodbye to Mrs. Higgins as the two left. The preschool teacher clapped her hands to get the class's attention and gave instructions that it was time to pick up their toys. As kids scrambled to shove toys and games and books into boxes, the woman glanced out the window and rolled her eyes at the Lexus parked haphazardly across 2 handicap spots.

Dark blue eyes gleamed with excitement, her mouth running nonstop as she recounted every detail of her exciting day at school. House had learned to tune her out, much the way he did with her mother. She clamored into her car seat, buckling herself in before letting House check to see if she did it right. As they rolled through the parking lot, Rachel still blabbing along, House's pager went off. Uh oh.

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Cuddy cradled the phone between her shoulder and her ear, trying hard to focus on the numbers the accountant was throwing at her. There was a new case in the ER and she had paged House a little less than an hour ago. He had yet to burst into her office, which meant he was either asleep or...

Something slammed into her door and Cuddy jumped, dropping the phone into her lap. Rachel giggled and waved, wearing a black t-shirt with the Rolling Stones logo on it. Cuddy stared. The little girl turned her head to look at the figure lumbering her way, her giggles turning into shrieks of laughter as she took off running again. A few seconds later, House limped passed her office doors, pink backpack still slung over a shoulder, with the decency to look sheepish as he yelled, "Smurf, get back here!"

Cuddy made an effort to close her open mouth, lips pursed as she hurriedly made an excuse to the accountant and hung up. Manicured nails rummaged through her desk drawer, pulling out a bottle of ibuprofen. Who knows how much candy House had fed Rachel. She could already feel the headache coming on.

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House heard her heels echoing in the hallway, quickly trying to close as many porn windows as he could. He tried to appear deep in thought, furrowing his brow in mock concentration over his latest case, which didn't exist until now.

Cuddy sighed and paused in the doorway. No doubt House had already pawned Rachel off on Wilson, at least until she crashed from her sugar high. His office was dimly lit but for the desk lamp and computer monitor. She set her bag and jacket on his recliner, heading towards him.

"Busy. Some of us have work to do," he muttered, briefly glancing up at her.

"I would buy that if I didn't already know you don't have a patient. And I can see the reflection of porn in your glasses," Cuddy smiled and sat on the edge of his desk, skirt inching up her thigh. He looked damn good in those glasses. House, distracted by her bare legs in such close proximity, slid his hand from her knee up, fingers disappearing under the hem. She laughed softly and gave him a kiss on the cheek, leaning forward until her lips pressed against his ear. Her voice purred through his mind, her hand dancing down his chest to the crotch of his pants. He swallowed.

"Anything they can do for you, I can do better," she murmured. House opened his mouth to respond, but before the words could come out, her grip tightened threateningly. "But if you ever feed my daughter that much sugar again, I'm cutting you off." She squeezed to emphasize her point.


End file.
